Midnight Appraisals
by SewerSurfin
Summary: We often hurt the ones we love the most of all. Raph learned this the hard way. Set in the 2k12-verse right after "The Croaking". One-shot.


**Disclaimer: TMNT does not belong to me.**

**A/N: Just a one shot that came to me after watching the latest episode, "The Croaking". **

**Raph was pretty harsh to Mikey in this episode, and even April pointed it out. So here is my continuation, where Raph is feeling pretty guilty, and also grappling with a lot of other emotions stemming from all they have been through lately. This takes place the night after "The Croaking".**

It was bitter and cold, this feeling. Gripping at his throat with claws of steel and gnawing at his innards, it was pulling him under without subtlety, without remorse. He choked as he struggled to breathe, drowning in an emotional turmoil churning eddies of regret.

Raphael had needed be get away, slipping out after everyone had fallen asleep. He had made his way to the roof of the farmhouse, with nothing but the unforgiving stars overhead for company. They appeared frigid and distant, judging him - drawing the blame...

He shivered against a non-existent chill, drawing his knees against his plastron in a subconscious effort to shut out the world as he always did. Shut out the world, and shut himself in; hiding it all behind walls of pretense and a hazy smoke bomb of surly attitude.

Memories of the day slammed his mind, the thoughts cutting a slow, painful path like a butter knife through a tough piece of steak.

"Just a screw up..." he echoed faintly the words he had so harshly yelled at his youngest brother earlier that day.

Raphael growled at himself, his hands tightening into painful fists.

He was always lashing out with words like a venomous viper, stinging and sharp...but without thought. He hadn't meant to hurt Mikey...but had in the end caused his brother enough distress to run away. Raph wanted to believe that it hadn't been all his fault, but the more he dwelled on it, he knew he was a large factor.

He shook his head in disgust, and pushed absently at a loose shingle with his foot. It broke off and slid down the slope, falling silently to the ground.

His head was spinning. Dropping. Free falling. Like the shingle he was losing his ground, his grip, his hold on everything he had known. At a time when he needed to be the strong one, needed to be there for his brothers, he was bringing them down instead of building them up.

How many times had Mikey shown him nothing but compassion...understanding...acceptance...love? How many times had Raph himself left the lair in a mess during one of his "tantrums"?

And he had called Mikey a screw up...just for being Mikey?

His thoughts turned sharply to months ago, watching helplessly as Master Splinter was lost to his sons after losing to the Shredder. The raw rage and agony Raph had felt, the loss of control, the darkness into which mind had been drawn...only to be brought out of the abyss by the grappling hook that was his baby brother.

He recalled a lesson of his sensei's from long ago: "You are an extension of your own words," he murmured into the unanswering breeze, his voice cracking under the emotional strain. So what extension of himself was he projecting?

All these thoughts...too much. He choked again, attempting to swallow the immobile boulder which had taken residence in his dry throat. It hurt to think of his sensei...his father. It hurt to think about how his actions affected others. It hurt to think about their broken family, their ravaged city... Moisture gathered in the rims of his eyes, and he snapped them shut to keep it contained. No tears...no crying...no weakness...need to be strong...

A clack of wood landing next to him distracted him from his thoughts. His eyes flew open, confusion filling the emerald depths at the sight of the shingle which had just fallen to the ground. Careful not to lose his balance, he made his way over to the wide of the roof in the direction from where the shingle had gone down in the first place. Holding tightly onto the edge of the roof, he peered over the side toward the ground below. It had taken Raph a while to get used to how dark the country was as opposed to New York City, but one of a ninja's greatest skills was adaptation to their surroundings, and by this time the red masked mutant had grown accustomed to the blackness of the boonies at night. He saw the shadowed form of one of his brothers below, and from the size it was probably Mikey.

"Raph, dude?" the figure called.

Yep, definitely Mikey.

"That you?"

Raphael nodded sharply and replied, "Maybe. Now go away, Mikey. I want to be alone."

"No you don't." came the abrupt reply. For Mikey, his voice was very matter-of-fact.

"Obviously I do, pizza-brain," Raph snapped down in return. "If I wanted to be annoyed by you, I would have stayed inside instead of coming out here TO BE ALONE."

Raphael clamped his mouth closed, his eyes widening at his words. He'd done it again...striking out with his words before thinking... He knew Mikey couldn't see the shame filling his eyes from the distance and the lack of light, but he averted his gaze guiltily nonetheless..

Mikey still hadn't responded, and had in fact disappeared. Raphael's mouth screwed into a rueful frown as he backed up and heavily flopped back in a seated position. He let out a strangled huff of air, the feelings washing over him with renewed intensity.

"'Sup, bro?"

"AHH!" Letting out an undignified shout, Raph started at the sudden address from behind him and reeled back, losing his balance on the sloped roof. It all happened in a kaleidoscoping blur, but the next thing he knew, Raphael was gripping onto the gutter on the edge of the roof, dangling precariously above the ground below. The gutter groaned in protest under the weight of the turtle, the thin metal beginning to bend around his fingers. Raphael knew he had to weigh his options quickly and make a plan to either drop down to the ground, or try to swing back up to the roof. A fall from this height would not kill him, but he was sure it would equate to something getting broken...and that was not a pleasant thought.

"Need a hand?"

Raphael snapped his attention from the ground back to the roof and found himself under the intense, yet concerned scrutiny of Mikey's wide baby blue eyes.

"How did you get - nevermind," Raph ground out.

Mike grinned playfully, reaching out for his older brother. Raphael remained silent, a scowl firmly in place, but he didn't protest as Mikey grasped the his wrists and hoisted him back up onto the roof. Raphael grunted a thank you and set himself down on the shingled slope once again to brood. Mikey wordlessly took a seat beside him, bracing himself for Raph's inevitable outburst to tell him to leave.

...Which never came.

Mikey watched his brother warily, Raph's whole demeanor bristling like a spiny porcupine. Raph shifted uneasily under the younger turtle's curious gaze. It reminded him of how Donatello regarded one of his experiments: with a strange mix of wonder and caution; anxious for the results, yet on guard for any adverse outcome.

"Whadda you want, Mikey," Raph grumbled, his voice coming out with more severity that he had meant it to.

Mikey visibly flinched, causing Raph's heart to sink. The orange masked turtle swallowed hard, the hurt welling in his eyes.

"I - I'm sorry," Mikey's normal optimism faded, replaced by an alien sadness, his voice barely above a whisper.

Raph's sinking heart completely capsized, causing wakes of guilt to ripple through his being. His normal reaction to such emotional onslaught was anger...it was so much easier to react on instinct...and so much less painful. He felt it manifesting, pushing its way up through the static of his thoughts, but he pushed it back like a lion tamer with a well timed whip.

"For what?" Raph asked incredulously, the shock clearly filling his expression.

"For running away...and making you guys worry...I -" Mikey's voice seemed so hesitant and timid.

The uncharacteristic behavior was making Raph extremely uncomfortable.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Mikey," Raph responded. He tried to sound comforting, but his gruff voice was not very well suited for that tone.

"It's no wonder I annoy you. I screwed up again...and I -"

Raph cut him off with a sharp shake of his head.

"No." Raph stated firmly, the intensity of his voice giving the short word a lot of emphasis.

Raph sighed loudly and continued in a gentler tone, "You might annoy me sometimes, Mikey...but you're not a screw up. If anyone here is a screw up…" his words trailed off, leaving a heavy pause hanging in the air, suspended on delicate strings. "It's me." he finished, his final phrase full of self-disgust.

"You? No way Raph!"

Cutting Mikey off again, yet acting like he hadn't heard anything his brother had just said, Raph inquired, "Why are you here?"

Mikey took a deep breath, indicating what Raph knew was going to be a classic long winded Mikey response. "Well bro...remember how I drank all that soda with dinner? Well, I woke up realizing that I really had to pee. So I got up and saw you weren't in bed and kinda got worried with all the weird stuff that seems to happen around here... I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I figured you were either mad at me...or had been turned into a plant again, both of which really suck."

Raph gave a small snorted laugh. "Well, I'm definitely not a plant, and I'm not mad at you, Mikey."

Mikey's expression turned hopeful. "You're not? But you're _always _mad. Always mad...or sarcastic. You're not sarcastic right now are you? Cuz that would mean you _are_ mad at me."

"No...I'm not...and I wasn't being sarcastic."

Mikey cocked an eyebrow ridge and pointed an accusing finger at his older brother. "You're not being sarcastic about not being sarcastic, are you? Then it would just start to get really confusing…"

"_Mikey…"_ Raph warned.

Mikey held his hands up in defeat. "Ok, dude, I believe you. Not mad. Not sarcastic. Got it. But what does that leave?"

Raphael opened his mouth to speak, but immediately closed it, carefully considering his response. What did that leave? Raph hated getting into all the _feelings. _He had fretted over Leo for three months...he worried Donnie would end up with a broken heart...he regretted how he treated Mikey...he had not been able to save their father...April and Casey's families had been mutated...they had all lost so much…

But it wouldn't come out, and he didn't think he wanted it to. It was all safer inside his head.

"_You guys never appreciate him! Especially _you, _Raph."_

Those had been April's exact words earlier, and they had cut Raph to the core, shoving painfully in his face what he should have realized before.

"It leaves appreciation, Mikey," Raph breathed out. In a rare moment of openness, Raph admitted, "Never doubt that I do appreciate you, Mikey. I might not always act like it...but I do."

For once, the youngest turtle was at a loss for words, but the huge grin that spread across his face spoke volumes. And now, for Raph, in this one moment in time, it was enough. The rest could wait.

.


End file.
